The mind...

The mind can be a wonderful thing. It can imagine your dreams, visualize what you want out life, and hold your fondest memories. But, the mind can also be your biggest roadblock in getting what you want if you let it.

Work has always been my biggest obstacle in eating clean and continuing my weight loss. When I first started on this journey, I was maternity leave after having my DD who's now 7 months old. I was always so proud of myself for being able to fight the demons and turn down all of the terrible foods and goodies that were ALWAYS at work. It's been soooo much harder lately, and today, things came to a head.

There was a party for someone's birthday and there were all kinds of treats. And, today, I indulged. I had three cupcakes. THREE. I swear, it was like crack cocaine to me. I just couldn't stop. I also had the regular tostitos. I was just so ashamed.

I had to step back and think about what had transpired as I was driving home in rush hour traffic, trying to come up with some explanation for why THIS time I had to go crazy. Had I been restricting myself for too long? No, I don't think that was it. Was I trying to sabotage myself because I don't think I'm good enough? Maybe, that may be it on some level, but I really didn't think that was the driving force. So what the heck was it? It was driving me crazy. Then, I had a bit of an epiphany.

Ever since I came back to work, I have been battling co-workers. People who were used to me being the person who was always up for a treat. People who were used to me over-indulging on an almost daily basis. But, I wasn't that person anymore. They were offering me treats and I was turning them down left and right. I felt proud, accomplished...strong. But now, I have lost a considerable amount of weight and it's obvious. People have gotten used to be being smaller. They see how hard I've worked over the last 4 months, and they have gotten way more supportive. Well, most of them anyway.

So today when there were all these treats in the office. Everyone was trying to keep me AWAY from them. They were telling me that I was doing so well that I shouldn't ruin. "The goodies are off limits to you, Rho". Well, the rest is history. The same way I defied them to stay away from the goodies is the same way that I defied them as I ate the off-limits goodies. What was different, what was TRULY different between all of those other times that I walked away form the fattening cupcakes?

The difference was, IS, my mind. My mind is making those cupcakes that are now off limits more appealing, more YUMMY, more...dare I say forbidden. I don't blame anyone but myself. I have to get my mind in a better place obviously. This was a good lesson for me. And now it's time for me to learn from it and move on. 'Nough said.

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-oatmeal
L-general tso's chicken
S-3 cupcakes, 13 tostitos chips (20 points)
D-salad with evoo, vinegar
S-none

Water 140 oz
Activity- tm (run and fast walk)-6 AP's
WPA's-20 (6 AP's and 14 weekly allowance points)

Man, that banan split would have been good.

STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!!!!!!!!!

Ugh. I hate stress. Let me rephrase that, I hate perceived stress. I work 12 hour days, 3 days a week, I have an hour long commute each way, I have two kids , and a husband whose work schedule is worse than mine, but on the average day, I wouldn't say that was stressful. Getting up at 5 am and getting home at 7 pm isn't stressful.

Right now, however, my professional life is up in limbo. I don't know exactly where I'm going professionally. I've never had the opportunity to be in this position before, and that is STRESSFUL!

Well, what have I done before in times of stress...I ate. Usually ice cream, preferable with sauce, whipped topping, and nuts. I can taste it even now just talking about it. So, today when discussing jobs and possibilities, and I just busted out with, "honey, I want a banana split". It was such a reflex, and I really had to stop and think about what I was doing because DH would have gone and gotten it for me.

It's still a reflex for me to soothe with food. I don't know when or if that will get better. I was ok this time, and I didn't fall into the trap, but what will happen next time? When will I be able to NOT think of food first when I am stressed? It's giving me more stress that I am handling things in my old "fat girl" ways. I know I am not where I was 5 months ago, but I am not "cured either". I wonder if I ever will be...

S-WW smoothie, skim milk
B-oatmeal
L-salsa chicken, brown rice, guacamole
S-plain ff yogurt, banana, blueberries
D-large salad, evoo and vinegar
S-peach

WPA's-none
Activity-none
Water-120 0z

Father's Day

I love watching my husband with my kids. I loved him before, but I never knew how much I could love him and did love him until I see him loving our children. He's so gentle and patient, and they just adore him. It makes everything I am doing so worth it. I want to have another 70 years to be around and enjoy my family. Ok, maybe that's a little unrealistic, but, it's something to shoot for.

We didn't do anything big for Father's Day. We just stayed home and enjoyed each other. We watched the baby try to crawl while my son tried to teach her how to do it. It was a perfect day...I look forward to many, many more.

B-egg beater omelet with tomatoes, red bell peppers, soy cheese, quac, and salsa
S-peach, oatmeal
L-plain ff yogurt, blueberries and bananas
D-general tso's chicken (core recipe), broccoli
S-94% ff popcorn

WPA's-none
Activity-3.25 mile run (4 AP's)
Water-140 oz

1st week on Core...Success

Today was my first WI since I started Core, and I was pleased with the result. I did lose what I gained last week, and then some! I know that it was mostly water, but I am still pleased with the results. I will go ahead and continue on with Core since I am comfortable with the plan and prefer the ease of it.

Also, I am getting closer and closer to WW goal. It's so odd. I know that I will continue losing once I hit that goal, but it's a milestone that seemed so far away when I first started WW. Now, it's less than 12 lbs away. It's gone by a lot faster than I expected it too. I know that has a lot more to do with my overall lifestyle than it does with just my eating. And for that I am thankful. If it wasn't for WW I would not have found Corinne, my trainer, and I wouldn't be in the best shape and health of my life!

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-eggs, fruit salad, steamed veggies (at a graduation, will count 3 points for oils)
L-salad, evoo, grilled shrimp
S-none
D-salsa chicken, broccoli, brown rice
S-sf/ff vanilla pudding

WPA's-3
Water-140 0z
Activity-DOR

Satisfaction...

Eating to satisfaction. It's the principle behind the Core plan with Weight Watchers, and I am beginning to realize how foreign it really is to me. But, it's common sense to so many others.

I have a colleague of mine who is super skinny. She works out, eats well, and always has. I guess that's why she's super skinny. Anyway, it would always baffle me how she could eat 12 almonds and be satisfied--instead of eating the whole can like I would do. She could eat a couple of Hershey kisses or a handful of m&m's and that would be it. It just didn't make sense to me that she could walk away like that without going overboard.

Even as I have lost my first 40 lbs, I still hadn't mastered that concept. The Flex plan doesn't really talk about hunger satisfaction. It concentrates more on portion size and overall calories. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the Flex plan. It got me 40 lbs lighter, it helped me learn the correct portion sizes, and if there was no Flex plan, I would never have joined Weight Watchers. However, it's not been since I have switched to Core, that I realize why I was fat.

My trainer, Corinne, always talks about how achieve our fit bodies is only 20% working out. The other 80% is diet. I totally believe that is true now. I have seen the light. When I was much heavier, I used to work out so that I could eat whatever I wanted (burgers, fries, chocolate...you know the usual players). The funny thing was, I was so baffled that I wouldn't/couldn't lose any weight. LOL. Now I realize that it's what we put into our bodies that help shape the way that it looks. But, eating a whole chicken, or excessive amounts of "healthy" food can still keep you overweight. So, what's the secret? It's eating until you are satisfied. Satisfied used to mean to me that I would be so stuffed that I couldn't even moved. Even though I was miserable, I got comfort out of it. I am not sure why exactly, but I did. Now, I realize that's NOT a good feeling. That's not how I can fuel my body properly. I don't want to feel that way ever again.

I finally feel like I have the tools I need to continue to lose, but more importantly to keep the weight off for good. I know that I have to retrain my body and my brain to get there, but it will happen. The best thing about it is, my kids will see me eating to satisfaction, incorporating exercise into my routine, and enjoying the higher fat things in moderation. My hope, my wish for them is that they will be like my colleague and all of these things that I am just now learning will be second nature. That won't be a bad legacy to leave behind at all...

B-WW smoothie, skim milk, grapes (before w/o)
S-egg beaters, canadian bacon, oatmeal, 1 tsp canola oil
L-salad, 1 tsp evoo, lentil soup
S-plain ff yogurt, banana, blueberries, splenda
D-Salsa chicken, brown rice, broccoli
S-ff/sf jello

Activity-full body weight routine (4 AP's)
WPA's used-none
Water-150 oz

I put my info into a calorie counter today (just because I was curious), and I seem to be right on target with total calories, but I need to step up my fat and maybe watch the carbs. Here's the breakdown:

1504 total cals, 28 g fat (16.9 %), 210 g carbs (55.5 %), 109 g protein (27.6 %)

Just the motivation I needed...

I have been feeling like my motivation has been waning. I switched from the Flex plan to Core because I felt like I needed to switch things up to get my motivation going. However, today, I got just the motivation I needed.

We are having a celebration at work at the end of the month, and they always do a slide show of pictures to show people having fun and being together at work. Well, I saw a picture of myself from about 2 years ago, and I was MORTIFIED! I was huge. I had double chins. I just don't think I ever saw myself that way when I was that big.

Well, it was just what I needed because I don't EVER want to go back to that person again. NEVER again. I just looked so miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin. It really made me sad to see myself like that. It just can never be again. Needless to say, I got on the treadmill as SOON as I got home. LOL!

B-oatmeal
S-WW smoothie
L-chicken breast w/salsa, black beans, green beans, brown rice
S-yogurt w/banana, blueberries
D-pork tenderloin, salad
S-2 Tbsp peanut butter (5 points)

Activity- 3.2 mile run (4 AP's)
WPA's used (5-4 ap's + 1 WPA)
Water-140 + oz

It will take more planning...

Core will definitely take more planning on my part. I could have a kashi granola bar or something on the run, but it's not Core, so I would have to count my extra points for it. Or, I could take the time to make a goodie bag with all fresh things that I don't have to count points for. I will have to get used to that. It's hard at times with the baby, because sometimes, I only have a small window of opportunity to get out the house before it's time for another nap or she doesn't want to be in her seat or something. I think that I will just have to my own "on-the-go" pack or something.

Other than that, I haven't run into any problems. This is definitely not a good plan for someone who can't/doesn't like to cook. Overall though, I have noticed that I feel less bloated, so I am hoping that's due to eating cleaner.

B-WW smoothie, ff milk
S-veggie burger w/salsa (after workout)
L-mini meatloaf, salad, ww couscous
S-soy crisps, orange (2 points)
D-pork tenderloin, sauteed green beans, brown rice
S-ff plain yogurt, blueberries, bananas

Water 140 0z
Activity-weights day (full body)-4 AP's
Non-core points-2

It's not so bad...

Core is really not bad at all. I don't understand what all the fear was. I haven't felt deprived at all, and that was my biggest fear. It's been nice to not have to count and measure EVERY little thing. I don't think I am eating any more than I was on flex. I've just had to tweak a few things. I just hope that it translates into a loss on the scale. I've been continuing to have my 1 Tbsp of peanut butter to fight off that craving, and it seems to be working thus far. It's amazing how having a small dose of something that was you weakness helps to keep things under control. I love all these tricks I am learning that will help me keep this weight off for good.

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-grapes
L-mini meatloaf, cabbage, whole wheat couscous
S-ff plain yogurt, blueberries, banana, splenda
D-chicken breast, salsa, black beans
S-94% ff popcorn. 1 T peanut butter (2.5 points)

WPA's used 2.5
Water-140 oz
Activity-DOR

I've taken the plunge and switched...

I switched to Core yesterday. I have been thinking about it for a long time, and I would always find an excuse not to do it. Mostly it was just fear. Would I feel too restricted? Would I know when to stop eating? Will it be boring?

Well, I decided to just go ahead and do it. I really need a change. I feel like I was becoming too lackadaisical with Flex. I wasn't completely measuring portions. I felt like I was getting more out of control. So, we'll change to Core for a week or two. This is day two and so far, I haven't felt deprived or restricted. It's actually kind of nice to know that I can eat whenever I want. I noticed that I was always thinking about food when I was doing Flex the last couple of weeks. I would be eating but thinking a head to my next meal already. I figure with my gain at WI yesterday, it's the perfect time to make the change. Let's hope that it's a change for the better.

B-oatmeal, blueberries with cinnamon and splenda
S-EAS shake (after workout)-2 points
L-BSCB, cabbage, black beans, whole wheat couscous
S-grapes, 1T skippy natural super chunk 2.5 points
D-mini meatloaves, green beans, salad w/ oo and vinegar
S-plain ff yogurt, blueberries, banana, splenda (so yummy!)

Activity-strength training( full body) and core (4 AP's)
Points used 4.5 (4 AP's, 0.5 WPA's)
Water 140 oz

My first gain....

I knew it was going to happen eventually. I'm in no way perfect. But in 19 weeks of Weight Watchers, I had my first gain. I gained 1.6 pounds this week. I knew I was going to have a gain when I woke up this morning. My rings were fitting tight, my feet were puffy. At first I was going to use my "no weigh-in pass", but I wanted to be accountable. I am blaming my 5k run yesterday, but I will go back and look at my tracker to make sure. I was so scared of this, but now that it's actually here, I feel fine.

Now, it's a new week, and I will staying on plan. Hopefully, this was just water weight and it will be off next week. If not, we'll see what we can do to change things!

B-oatmeal
S-WW smoothie, skim milk
L-spicy black bean veggie burger, cabbage, orange
S-grapes, jello (sf-ff)
D-chicken breast, cabbage, black beans, whole wheat cous cous
S-94 % fat free popcorn

Water-160 oz
Activity-DOR

Just for the heck of it...

My running partner and I decided to run a 5k we heard about yesterday just for the heck of it. It was just poor timing considering that it was 95 degrees, the hottest day of the year!!!!! It was excruciating. I was sweating so bad and working so hard that I had to take a break this time. I did walk for quite a bit of time. However, I did work hard enough to shave 2 minutes and 25 seconds of the time I made on my first 5k!!!! All in all, it was a good day! An exhausting one, but good overall.

B-oatmeal, ww smoothie, milk
S-grapes
L-salad, veggie burger, soy crisps
S-orange, snickers marathon bar
D-chicken breast, brown rice, broccoli
S-94 % fat free popcorn 100 cal pack

target points 30
actual points 34
activity 5k run (8 AP's!!!!)
water160 oz

Boy am I sore!

OUCH! I sure did work out that aggression yesterday. I am paying for it today. I am really sore! LOL. It's good though. I like having the reminder that I worked out. It helps keep me on plan for the day especially with my eating. I have been weaker lately, so it's nice to have the memory of how hard I worked when I am tempted with chocolate and chips at work. My workouts have been changed up this month, so instead of doing arms/chest one day and legs another, I am doing them both. The result is a whole body soreness that I am not used to. LOL. Six months ago, I would have used my sore muscles as an excuse to rest, but now, I move around MORE because it's a GOOD thing not a bad one. It just never ceases to amaze me how different I am in such a short time.

B-WW smoothie, skim milk, oatmeal, blueberries
S-grapes
L-jambalaya, salad
S-orange, yogurt, fiber one
D-ground turkey soft taco, celery and carrot sticks
S-didn't have one

Target Points 30
Actual Points 29.5
Activity-DOR
Water 100 oz

It's not a repeat...

I refused to have today be a repeat of yesterday. Although I was just as stressed today as I was yesterday, I knew that peanut butter or some other fattening food wasn't the answer. I had to channel those feelings and use them for some good...something that wasn't going to make me feel guilty afterward. So, I just decided to bust it and go lift weights like a mad woman. And I'm glad I did, I felt more energized and also proud of myself instead of feeling sick and guilty.

I know that I am in no way "cured". This is something that I am going to have to work on EVERYDAY. I'll have to make a deliberate effort to do the right thing because I know that it won't be second nature, but it will be worth it in the end.

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-didn't get one
L-salad, jambalaya
S-yogurt, kashi go lean crunch, orange
S-grapes, almonds (before workout)
D-morningstar farms spicy black bean burger, salsa, salad

Target points-30
Actual points-32
Activity-weights with active rest (4 AP)
Water-140 oz

Stress eating...

Like the drug addict who will always be an addict, I need to remind myself that I will ALWAYS be the fat girl. I don't think that I should ever see myself as NOT having issues with food. I may be able to get to the days when I will always be able to handle myself when it comes to those issues, but I will NEVER be cured. I think that if I believe that, I will end up getting trapped again and start gaining.

My professional life is in TOTAL disarray right now. I thought that things were heading in the right direction, but every time I think that I may be getting things set right, I have a major setback. Today was my most major setback, and I was totally stressed out. I was going to come home and get some bonus cardio in to work out the stress, but instead, I had found my way to the peanut butter jar. I ate WAY too much peanut butter. I felt sick, but I also felt really disappointed in myself. All of things Weight Watchers has said/taught me about emotional eating really went out the window. I didn't even try. I had a "hunger" and I fed it. What's more is that I don't feel guilty about it. I just felt like it was something I needed to do.

I didn't pass this test, not by a long shot. What will I do differently next time? Will I be able to rise to the challenge? Will I do the cardio instead of the binging? I still have the "hunger". The peanut butter didn't fix it. So basically, all I have done is consume extra calories for nothing.

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-oatmeal, grapes
L-salad, lean cuisine
S-orange, yogurt
S-peanut butter
D-jambalaya, steamed green beans
S-none

target points-30
actual points-35
activity-DOR
water-120 oz

Since when...

Since when did I start looking forward to exercising? When I was on the treadmill this morning, I had the realization that my workout was what got me out of bed this morning. I hopped up ready to get moving. Who is this person? Four months ago, I was sitting on my couch watching TV. Now, I feel drained if I just sit on my behind. It's just such a transformation. I am in complete awe of it. But now that I have gotten to this point, I am declaring right now that I am refusing to go back on the couch. My sedentary days are OVER! My new life will forever be active. The best part of that is my kids will never know any different. They will get the chance to grow up thinking that it's just a part of your day like everything else we do. And if I can accomplish that and do that for them, I will be proud!

B-oatmeal, 1/2 cup blueberries
S-muscle milk
L-salad, veggie burger, soy crisps, orange
S-grapes, almonds
D-chicken and turkey sausage jambalaya, salad
S-celery w/peanut butter

Target points- 30
Actual points- 34
Activity- cardio and weights (5 AP)
Water-130 oz

Trying my hand at a cheat meal...

I had a long talk with my WW leader today at my meeting. I was so surprised by how out of control I had been on vacation. It was like I had never eaten before in my life when I was there. She stated that she thought that I may have been strict on myself for too long. I have been doing weight watchers for 4 1/2 months now, and I really haven't allowed myself to have goodies here and there. So, when I went on vacation, I just went crazy. She thought that I should have a cheat meal once a week. My trainer, Corinne, had told me that same thing about a month ago, but I was too afraid to do it. But, after how badly I ate on vacation, I realize that I NEED that.

So, tonight, I had my first cheat meal. I had to really think about what I wanted. Was I going to go for something that was still nutritious but higher fat or would I just go all out bad for me? I still wasn't sure, so I did kind of half and half. The thing that I have been really wanting since starting Weight Watchers is McDonald's french fries! I wanted them hot at with some salt on them. So, that's what I did. I got some. It was WONDERFUL and indulgent! But, I didn't feel like I was cheating at all. It just felt different because it was something that I had planned and knew that I would be having something "naughty". Isn't amazing how our minds work. Just changing the way that I think about those fries, made me feel differently, and most importantly EAT differently. I didn't binge, when the fries were gone, they were gone, and I felt satisfied. Also, I knew that I had another meal next week where I could have something fattening, so I doubt I'll feel deprived tomorrow. In Weight Watchers, they call that reframing. I don't think I really understood the concept until now. What a breakthrough!

B-Weight Watchers chocolate smoothie, skim milk, oatmeal
S-orange
L-salad with edamame, morningstar farms spicy black bean burger,balsamic vinegar and oo
S-grapes and yogurt w/fiber one
D-chicken breast (grilled) w/barbecue sauce, french fries, low fat ice cream cone
S-wasn't hungry

Target Points- 30
Actual Points- 36
Activity-cardio long run 3 miles (6AP)
Water-140 oz

Getting back into the swing of things...

I have seriously slacked on my journaling over the last month. I've had a lot of stuff going on in my personal and professional life, and I just felt that having to do one more thing (blogging) was just too overwhelming. I have been staying OP for the most part, but I did have a week of vacation that was not my finest.

BUT, it's a new month, I am ready to get my head completely back in the game. Today is measurement day with Corinne and the Phit-N-Phat women, so it's usually an exciting time. I lost another 8.5 inches this month which brings me up to a total of 28 inches in the past three months that I have been working out with my trainer. I think out of everything, that's the thing that I am most proud of. The weight loss is great, but the inches are so much more tangible. People don't see the numbers on the scale, they see the inches.

Yesterday, I saw a professional acquaintance who I hadn't seen for about 2 years. We had an appointment with each other, so she was expecting me. When I walked up to her, I was a bit offended be she didn't even acknowledge me. When I spoke to her, she was shocked. She didn't recognize me! She said that she wasn't expecting to see some skinny girl walking into her office. It made my day. Heck it made my week.

Tomorrow is weigh in day at WW for me. I haven't been to a meeting in 3 weeks because of my vacation, but I don't care what the numbers on the scale say. The inches matter more to me!

B-WW smoothie, skim milk
S-oatmeal, watermelon
L-saladworks blt salad with vinegar and oo
S-orange, yogurt, fiber one
D-chicken breast, steamed green beans, brown rice
S-apple w/1Tbsp peanut butter

Target points 30
Actual points 32
Activity strength and cardio 5 AP
Water-130 oz